Old PM's Depress Me

Cleaned out my PM box on a forum. Can't believe it was almost full. It was only sent pm's though that I deleted and don't think it was all of them. The board lost the other pm's about a year ago when they switched owners and whatever and somehow these pm's I sent got put in my inbox upon the switch. It would've been nice to read the ones people actually sent to me again before I lost those though. Anyway I don't think it was even all my sent pm's because I'm sure I sent much more then that. But nonetheless it was interesting to read them. I'm sad to say that I don't even remember most of the people I was pm'ing with back then. Did searches on the forums for them, only one is still around and they're using a new name. But of course the others could still be around on new names too and just not have said who they used to be.

Anyway they have this thing on the forum now where you can just click a check box next to each PM and download them to a text file so I did that because I really hate throwing stuff away even online. I never delete emails or anything like that unless I have no choice but to. But I still don't have alot of my old emails and stuff because I used to have webtv and use their email and then when they terminated it for non payment I lost everything. Wish I'd forwarded them all to another account but I guess now it would've been a waste if I had as at the time all I'd had for second accounts was yahoo and hotmail and I stupidly went 6 months without signing into both years later and lost everything. I thought my mom would eventually be able to pay that webtv bill though and get it back, never happened though LOL.

Anyway I rarely go back and read stuff because it always depresses me, but its still nice to have the option to. It felt weird seeing stuff I'd written from as far back as 2003-2005, things were very different for me then. Felt kinda depressed when I read one where I said I'd met this great guy online (my last ex) and how I was so happy. And other one where I was apologizing to this one person for not being on IM when I said I would be because my friend came over. Its somewhat hard for me to believe that I once had somewhat of a life. And I can't believe I don't even remember the person I was sending those pm's too, they seemed like someone I'd been knowing online for a while.

Speaking of keeping stuff, I wanna delete my myspace but I don't wanna lose all the messages from my sister that I have saved on there (we communicated though myspace not email) Anyway I could just copy and paste them to word pad and save but meh seems too much trouble. I just wanna delete my myspace so that she can't ever contact me again.....well that and so no one I used to know can find me. I changed it so my real name shouldn't bring up my myspace but for some reason on social networking search sites my profile still comes up when I search my name. Ugh. And yes I search myself, I'm one of my favorite people to stalk LOL, well not really I just wanna make sure no ones saying bad stuff about me.

Anyway speaking of pm's whats with some people. This one person the other day got upset with me because I took long to reply back to a pm. Well long in his opinion. It had only been a day and he pm'd me again saying something about he didn't get why I seemed uninterested. I told him I'm not too good with pm's or email and gave him my msn so we could chat in real time. Then he replied back and seemed to be all upset at me saying how he wasn't good with real time chat and when he heard I liked cats he thought it'd be fun pm'ing me and that since I had SA I'd be like him and be better at emails/pm's and that it was rather disappointing. Anyway I replied back and explained to him that I am better at im's because I overthink emails/pm's, IM's on the other hand don't give me as long to think and in my case the more I think the more I put off replying so I'm better with IMs. Since he didn't seem interested in pming me unless I replied quicker I told him to let me know if he changed his mind about IMing. He pm'd me back today saying "sorry to have disturbed you and caused you so much stress, take care." which kinda pissed me off because he didn't really cause me any stress he just annoyed me and from his previous replies I'd say he was the one stressed over it. Anyway the last time I was hoping someone awesome had pm'd me and wanted to chat was annoying for it just to be that...now that is disappointing. I just replied back "ditto" lol.

But anyway I don't mind pm'ing or email really it just takes me a few days to reply...but if people are gonna expect quicker replies and be upset when they don't get them they really need to swallow their fears and start using an instant messaging program. But besides that heres part of what I said in my post where I was looking for friends:

"I'd prefer someone good at 1-1 conversation...most of the time with people I feel I'm carrying the whole conversation. But I need someone that doesn't mind if I take a few minutes to reply at times, because I usually am playing wow while on IM lol. Anyway even if you aren't good at conversation its ok. I use msn messenger and don't have aim or yahoo"

So I sure don't know how this person came to the conclusion that I was looking more for email/pm friends then people to chat with. Of course maybe they contacted me because they knew I liked cats and they never saw that post...but then they said in their pm that they thought I was looking for people to talk to so I don't know.

Heh theres actually a topic on the forums about over analyzing things...thats so me. This really doesn't matter that much but I tend to over analyze everything I do that has some form of social action.

I want everyone to be miserable hehe

So found out my last ex quit his guild of which he was the gm of and quit wow too. He also deleted his twitters, both his guilds and his own along with deleting his guilds website. His own website is still up though. He doesn't mention quitting his guild or why he quit but it shows his last few twitter updates on there and his last one said that he was helping his fiancee move in tomorrow and there was no longer anything about him playing wow on his site under where it said interests. Sigh bet that he quit because he was finally bored of wow and wanted to spend more time with her. Was hoping he quit because he had a falling out with his guildys. Well guess I'll never know what happened. Anyway I checked his realm forums and his guild is recruiting with a new guild website up now. I really really hope he had a falling out with them. Also hope his relationship with his fiancee crumbles before they get married. Would be so awesome if he ended up completely miserable. I found out through googling his sn name months ago that he was with a different girl before her and very shortly after him and I broke up. They had an online relationship for a while then he moved to be with her, he met her first online in wow. It was probably the girl I was soooo jealous of when him and I were together because he always chose to group with her over me in wow. She dumped him a few months after he moved to be with her, reading that made me soooo happy. Karma :D hehehe. And hopefully this relationship now won't last either. I want him to be alone and miserable and regret mistreating me because I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he'll never find anyone as awesome as me again. No I'd never take him back I just don't want him, or anybody who treated me badly before to be happy. Other peoples misery, especially that of people who hurt me before thrills me to no end, makes me giddy :D Was also happy when I found out before my best friend that I knew since childhood broke up with his bf and when I ruined one of his friendships years after I found out about all the lies (think I wrote about him in the beginning of my diary):D Anyway I was even happy when I found out someone online who had been rude to me before broke up with her bf, or rather he broke up with her and was rather mean to her. Even though I've talked to her bf before and know he's worse then her so I'm hoping he's miserable too. Anyway I love it when bad things happen to bad people lol...and since most people are bad that means I usually love when bad things happen to people.

Anyway speaking of people...one of my online friends told me last night that he cut off contact with a girl he met online and met in person a few times because he didn't see the point in being friends with someone he didn't see in person. So I was like am I next then and he said "Maybe but you have SA too so maybe not." So I was all quiet after that and now I'm not sure what to do, thinking maybe I should cut him off first. Not that it matters a ton to me cause its not someone I got really close to but still whenever something like that happens my feelings are always hurt a little.

New Season Of Big Brother

New Big Brother season started a few days ago. This one seems good so far. Not that I think reality tv is that great but its alright. I certainly prefer shows like Lost though. Can't believe I have to wait till January for the new Lost /cry

But anyway this new Big Brother started and this time they're having them play as cliques. If one of that clique wins HOH then none of that clique can be nominated for eviction that week. Theres the popular clique, the athetletic clique, the smart clique and the offbeat clique and each startd with 3 people. And when they did the first HOH compition they had a twist where whoever won would win for their clique and not get HOH themselves but get an extra member for their clique from a past bb season. They had Jessie (BB10 - Athlete), Cowboy (BB5 Off-Beat), Jessica (BB9 - Popular), and Brian (BB10 - Brains). Unfortunatly the athletes won so cocky ass Jesse got back in the house and was the first HOH. I guess its not too bad, maybe he'll stir up some drama and thats always good to watch (just hope he doesn't win!). But I was rooting for Brian he's such a cutie and he got voted off first last season. And IMO smart guys>muscular jocks. Plus I wanted the brains to win the first HOH and have an extra member. If not them I'd hoped for the offbeat clique to win. I hope this show doesn't end up like rl where the populars and the jocks end up walking away with it all. /sigh

Furby

I had a dream again last night about Furby. Its like the 5th or 6th dream I've had of her this year. Like the other ones she was reborn as a kitten in it. In the first few she was a white kitten. In the last 2 she was a black and white kitten. In this last one last night she was a male kitten, black and white, and the smallest in her litter.

I can't help but wonder if theres something to these dreams, like shes trying to send me a message that shes been reborn or will be reborn and wants me to look for her. Shes always unhappy in the dreams at first but then happy when I find her. Its odd because she died 4 or 5 years ago and I've only just been recently (the past 6 months) been having these dreams. I'm worried if they are a message that she's mad or gonna get mad at me for not finding her :( I feel like I should be looking at least but with this damn SA and not having left the house in over 9 months well. I 1. wouldn't know where to look and 2. I have no transpo to go anywhere. 3. my mom is dead set against any cats now. /sigh and 4. Think I'm crazy for believing these dreams could be messages.

Maybe they're really just dreams and nothing to them. But its weird because it usually happens on nights when I haven't really been thinking of her and why now years after her death and why always about her returning as a kitten, why not about her living as she was a grey and white cat? Anyway if they are some kind of message I hope she is born to a litter as a stray very very near my apartment or near my moms work and my mom somehow has a change of heart and brings her home. I just hope I find her if she has been reincarnated already.

Too nice...and regreted it as always :(

I think I'm too nice sometimes. Or I worry too much about making people angry at me. Or maybe a little of both. Yesterday in wow I sat out on the uldaur 10 run. I didn't need any feral gear off the first few bosses (which are all we can down) so I was going to main roll on balance gear (the leader said I could) but we had like 15 people who wanted to go. The leader said my spot was safe because I do really high dps and he was gonna have the 3 lowest dps in the run /roll for which of them got to go. I felt bad and like since my feral gear is already mostly best in slot stuff or near that that I should sit out...so I said to him "i'll roll with them to be fair" and I didn't roll one of the 2 highest so I left raid.

In some ways I feel like I did the right thing but.....its not something I'll ever do again. I didn't even get a damn thank you from the person who got to go in my place. It pisses me off. Ungrateful fucker. And I also missed an achievement :( I didn't know they were gonna do hard mode. And you know what else I'm thinking now? Why should I be so nice to give up MY spot for someone like that and someone that doesn't work very hard to upgrade their gear outside of guild runs. I mean sure I do have awesome gear, I easily do 4k+ dps on fights in there which is over 500 more dps then the next highest...BUT I also got 95% of this gear outside of guild runs. I've worked hard on gearing up and shouldn't be sitting out because of it or feeling like I should sit out. And if I wanna collect balance gear I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do. /sigh

Anyway on the bright side I organized and led an 8 man os run for the less is more achievement. And the other day I got the heroic safety dance achievement (we cheated and used an exploit lol). Maybe I can remember it for next time I do that boss. Can impress the raid with my awesome skills. Or kill everyone when I fail to remember where exactly the safe spot is lol.

Well, at least my birthday is over.

Well my birthday was yesterday. I was right about not getting anything. :( A few online people wished me a happy birthday though. Didn't do anything for my birthday or the 4th either. I'm not sure why people asked me or why they even ask me what I've been up to lately, I haven't left the house in over 8 months, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon, even if it is my birthday. Anyway I did nax 25 last night and pretty much nothing I needed dropped and the stuff that did I didn't win. Its like god, if there is one doesn't want me to even have 1 little thing. This was the worst birthday ever for sure. And also my father sent me a card....I'm returning to sender as always. Sorry but you didn't wanna be in my life when I was a child so now I don't want to be in yours. Too little, too late, and he needs to take the hint.

Anyway I'm 27 now. I wonder if I can still consider myself to be in mid 20s...when exactly is it that people stop saying mid 20s and start saying late 20s when referring to someones age?

In a Bad Mood

I'm in such a bad mood. My birthday is only 2 days away (the 5th) and thats part of it. I'm sure I won't do anything for my birthday, I haven't in years. It just sucks to be turning another year older and still not having found love or even friendship. I've only ever had people in my life who I thought loved me or thought were my friends but they always proved themselves to be jerks eventually. I'm still rather pissed about the last 2 actually...wish I could kill those bastards. Just as I hate all the others, 2 in particular from 2005. But I'd give anything to meet someone...anyone that didn't end up being a jerk, liar or user. But I don't think I ever will. 99.9% of human beings are just horrid :( I'm safer not trying to "win the lottery" and just keeping people at bay like I have been lately, I just hope I'm strong enough to keep this up even if I once again meet someone that seems great.

Oh and I don't think anyone reads this, but if you do, please don't reply with anything along the lines of "people aren't that bad, don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch for you". Because I've heard that crap and stuff like it a million times before and it just pisses me off even more since I know its not true. Really people that think that must have lower standards then I do for what it means to be a good person and aren't anyone I'd consider a good person so just save it for someone else who might be stupid enough to believe it.

I'm just so pissed off, on top of that these last few days I've burned just about every meal I've made, including the "homemade" pizza. Which wasn't completely homemade just bought a roll out dough crust and put spaghetti and cheese and stuff on it and cooked it. But still.

At least on the bright side I've adapted very well to being alone. Its really not that hard when you know its better then the alternative. But sometimes, like today the loneliness hits me...still though this is better then the horrible feeling that sits with me for weeks or months after I find out I'm being lied to or being talked bad about behind my back.